today was one of the toughest days in a long while. 

so many heavy things happening around me, i'm just left drained and defeated. my heart is aching and my nerves are running. i'm beyond exhausted from all these things. 


i can only seek refuge in one place, from one source. 

again

ups and downs and ups downs and ups and dows. such is life, or so i guess. 

it's been a few weeks of busyness, of stress, of goodness, and of weakness. this isn't to say it's been all bad-- there's definitely been highlights throughout. i'm wrapping up my quarter in the next few hours (quite accurate is my blogging to impending midterm/final timeline if i say so myself) and i'm left a bit.............. unsure. how to sum up this quarter..... i'm not too sure yet.

last minute change of plans means i can afford sleep, but it turns out i took a nap anyway. i was looking forward to it, but then again, life is never predictable anyway. 

a friend from davis posted her upcoming schedule:

"2 weeks: yosemite

3 weeks: LA
6 weeks: oregon
19 weeks: end of my research job
21 weeks: yellowstone
23 weeks: brazil
43 weeks: colombia"

and i would be lying if i said i wasn't jealous. that nagging feeling of wanting to leave this place/adventure to a new one just won't quit. maybe a short trip with a friend? or a solo adventure? i'm tired of thinking and talking, i just want to get to the doing and the deciding. 

update to come. 

in the last week and a half, i've been to 1 out of 8 lectures. at this point-- i'm taking school for granted so much that i question why i do the things that i do. this quarter especially, i've been sacrificing my schoolwork for the sake of other things, whether it be rest, church, kcm, football, relationships, sanity, or some combination of the above. 

but then i'm reminded on nights like this of how fortunate i am to be where i am. to be a student at ucla and have the opportunities i have, is truly a testament to god's grace. 

and speaking of god's grace-- i had the chance to share my testimony last night. in all honesty, i went in without enough prep, and without enough prayer and i was in contemplation of the extent and amount in which i should share. within this group, there had been a precedent set of logistics over emotions, of events over convictions, and i found myself wrestling with what was right. i could've easily have swept through the "big things" that have happened in my life or i could've gotten deep and emotional about the ways in which god had shaped me through the years. 

as my words started to tumble out, i was still unsure and stuck somewhere in the middle. but as i shared, i was reminded once again of how unjust and foolish it would be to not detail the works god had done in my life. my neglect in mentioning these things would cast a shadow over the grace that he had demonstrated and my unworthiness of the blessings in my life. it would take him out of it, and make my life a sum of coincidences and luck in getting me where i am today. 

“If you are going to be used by God, He will take you through a number of experiences that are not meant for you personally at all. They are designed to make you useful in His hands, and to enable you to understand what takes place in the lives of others.”

                                                             

on a completely different tangent: i wish i would spend more time with my writing. i type as i think, and i never look back. i wish i could craft my words with wit and ease but i just don't put the time/thought in.