the world is so big and i am so small but i make my world seem small by making myself big

22

today was my 22nd birthday, but it also happened to be one of the most difficult days i’ve had lately.

i’ve always loved my family, and have been proud of my familial background. while it’s neither normal nor nuclear, it was mine and it was me. but today, as i waited all day for a call from my dad, i started to grow angry. i was hurt, confused, and deeply saddened that he couldn’t make a short call to just say two simple words. 

i woke up to my grandpa yelling at me, throwing around vulgar names. he questioned my presence in his home, as well as in his life. he cursed my existence and damned me to hell. he tried to make the altercation physical by puffing out his chest and agitating me, and i didn’t know how to react. I responded in anger, in harsh words with even harsher tones, but i knew how much i was hurting on the inside. he refused to go out to lunch with me and reaffirmed his decision by eating alone at our dining table. 

i expected things from people, from groups, from friends and as things seemed to either fall apart or never happen at all, i kept sulking in between the gap of what i wanted and what i had. 

as this is my last birthday in davis, as silly as it was, i wanted it to be picturesque. i wanted my family to show me affection in the way that i longed, i wanted my friends to reach out and spend time with me, i wanted my day to be filled with people i loved creating memories i could cherish. 

a lot of things i wanted didn’t happen, and a lot of things i didn’t want happened. it felt like the perfect representation of how my life had panned out. and i cried. i cried from morning to night, masking it with forced smiles and happiness for a few hours in between. 

but that’s when i realized how blessed i was. how focused i had been on people, on relationships, on physical things, and on words. people and relationships have always been my weakness, but i realized how absent God had been. i realized how all day, there had been blessings in the midst of tears that i just missed completely.

from the conversation and time i spent alone with my grandma, to a friend who had ordered a small gift i had mentioned in passing, to another friend who drew me a special picture, to a family who opened their home and prepared a birthday cake (the first i’ve called my own in more than 5 years), to a friend who called at the wrong time and listened as i cried, to the friend who mailed me a homemade card, and to the friend who drove out on an adventure with me, these were all reminders of how good God is to me. 

i failed to see the blessings because i chose to eclipse them with my own bitterness. 

despite all the words, tears, and emotions i expressed today, i end today feeling thankful. good night.

"My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me. But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. The Lord is my portion says my soul, therefore I will hope in Him. The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD."

Lamentations 3:20-26

When the weight of this world 

Feels unbearably heavy 

You are my 

Comfort

Joy 

Peace 

Strength

You do not change

And for that, I give thanks