"All that I am is a product of Grace."

— Andy Mineo

the word widowed came into mind, briefly, unexpectedly, and suddenly. this word wrecked me tonight. to know that this is the current way in which my grandfather has to list his marital status on all legal paperwork drove a wedge in my heart so deeply and so sharply, it knocked the wind out my lungs. 

i have been so selfish in my grieving that i forgot what this loss meant for others. as i clung to my own heart, to my own tears, to my own pain and void i am constantly with, i failed to realize what this meant for him. 

in god's mysterious way, he had arranged for me to leave davis, to leave that home, to leave the place in which she could be seen all around. in that distance, i filled my days with distractions and my thoughts with pettiness. i tried to steer clear from dwelling in the death, in the void. 

but he's there. he's in the life that he created with her for nearly 60 years. to see, to bicker with, to fight through life with one person for so long only to find yourself alone one day. how must his heart break, how empty must his heart and home feel. 

as the life left her fragile, broken, and conquered body, i saw him hold her hand. i saw him understand what this meant. that her last breath had gone, that her last word had been heard. 

she was my rock, she was saving grace, she was my best friend. 

she was his rock, she was his partner, she was his wife. 

the relationships i take the most joy in are those in which I encounter genuine people. more and more, i’d forgo the popular, the pretty, the social perfectionist in exchange for one kind, warm, and authentically invested friend. quality by far outweighs quantity. i am so extremely thankful these days for the few people i’ve met at UCLA whom I can joyfully invest in. thankful for kind and open hearts tonight.