of course i find myself returning to this blog and adding to the collection of spontaneously jotted down thoughts, ideas, and pleas when i face a deadline in 5 hours. i have yet to start my paper but i've been reflecting on one important skill i lack-- consistency.
even returning to this blog, i'm impressed with friends of mine who are regular bloggers. their blogs are reflective of the contemplations of their minds, and the wrestling of their hearts. sometimes they share about the burdens and tiresome woes of life, and in other, lighter and more refreshing moments, they share about the joys they've been graced with.
i am not one of these people. you look at my blog, my planner, my workouts (haha) and you will see an array of unexplainable patterns of ups, downs, plateaus, and complete silences.
i was having a discussion with a friend recently about food. she's a creature that is effected by an extreme hunger every three hours which shows itself with unbelievable punctuality. for me, i survived last week with consuming my first meal of the day after 9pm every day. i got hungry, and then i got busy, and the hunger subsided. i love food, but in these moments i realize that i am not completely under the reign of food. this is probably not the healthiest way to live my life, i do realize.
but i realized, if i even lack consistency with basic sustenance, the energy-providing building blocks of life, then where do i refuse to fall to my incessant inconsistencies?
my friend (the same friend) and i talk about a lot of things, over a lot of time. we jump from ridiculousness to serious and somber topics regularly, and i'd like to say we're at a point where we know each other well (of course, this is relative). over brunch this weekend, she asked me a question rather explicitly, and i realized this was one i was really grateful to be asked. she asked, "how are you doing with god?" no elaboration, no befuddlement, no vagueness was in sight. it was direct, to the point, and was asked and received with certain clarity.
a funny sidenote is that in the last 8 months or so, i keep getting compliments on the way i speak, or more so the way i communicate. ha, i think to myself, i chose the right major, i guess. but in all seriousness, i re-learned how to speak english when i was in second grade, and sat through ESL classes until fourth grade. i loved and devoured books in elementary school, but i never figured that language, especially english, would be something i would be comfortable enough with that it would translate into a skill of mine in this life. i say all to this to note, that as my friend asked me this simple question, i found myself being vague. i was speaking convolutedly and was talking in circles when i didn't need to. and i didn't understand why.
but as i talked, as i explained, and as i shared, my words become clearer, my thoughts became concrete, and my convictions of the joy that i had from the grace i have been witnessing became all the more real. i lacked consistency in a lot of things in life, but also in my daily walk with god. not to say, my faith wavered and happened to be elusive-- present one day and absent the next-- instead, the foundations were set but i think my joys were easily forgotten and replaced with woes and worries. i was doing all the right things without doing all the needed things. i focused on how i could be better, instead of how i could be going deeper. i exerted myself instead of inserting and investing in the foundations daily.
but here i am, fighting my natural tendencies. day by day, in the simplicities of the time that i spend in conversation, in song, or in reading with the one who loves me most, i am reminded, i am renewed, and i am rejoicing.
so i beg you to ask, i beg myself to ask (later down the line), and i beg of you, may i ask regularly-- one of the simplest questions we need to face, "how are you doing with god?" let's all step away from the pleasantries, the small talk, and the christianese, and begin to ask this question with concrete consistency.
