sovereign grace

it's funny the ways in which god works. i am now at sovereign grace, and i've never had as much appreciation for those two ideas as i do now. god is sovereign, and he is so full of grace. his unending and unparalleled grace is so divinely sovereign. 

it's been a long quarter year, and there's been a lot of ups, but also a lot of downs. when struggles hit, all i want to do is sulk in my sadness, or as loreali gilmore would advise, wallow in my sorrow. but here's the thing, understanding that even the valleys are outlined in his sovereign plans of my life makes the pill a bit easier to swallow. 

i've learned so much about life and about myself this past year, and in that it's so easy to see how much of his grace has accompanied me during every stage of my life. in india, i met a girl named sneha who i know i was only able to meet through god's sovereignty. this past week, i was writing a letter to her, this dear 12 year old who had already gone through so much pain and suffering in her young life. she's living with the consequences of her parents' sins, and i reluctantly saw many scars in her life that were all too familiar to those of my childhood. but you know, as i was writing to her, i couldn't help but be overjoyed to share about god's grace with her. even now, there's so much going on in my life and in my head, but how great is our god? how amazing is his sovereignty and truly, i ask, how remarkably is his grace? 

my life is a testament to god's sovereign grace, and i couldn't be more thankful.

i don't understand how i could be this good at not studying. it amazes me how unproductive i can truly be. 

i'm good at planning, at stressing, and figuring things out. it's the follow-through that isn't always there. 

"Not only is all your affliction momentary, not only is all your affliction light in comparison to eternity and the glory there. But all of it is totally meaningful. Every millisecond of your pain, from the fallen nature or fallen man, every millisecond of your misery in the path of obedience is producing a peculiar glory you will get because of that.

I don’t care if it was cancer or criticism. I don’t care if it was slander or sickness. It wasn’t meaningless. It’s doing something! It’s not meaningless. Of course you can’t see what it’s doing. Don’t look to what is seen.

When your mom dies, when your kid dies, when you’ve got cancer at 40, when a car careens into the sidewalk and takes her out, don’t say, ‘That’s meaningless!’ It’s not. It’s working for you an eternal weight of glory.

Therefore, therefore, do not lose heart. But take these truths and day by day focus on them. Preach them to yourself every morning. Get alone with God and preach his word into your mind until your heart sings with confidence that you are new and cared for."

— John Piper

belated post from 5/10

I got into a car accident today. Actually, it was a hit and run. Despite all the stress and craziness, I was reminded how thankful I am for my friends. A good friend came to help me even though it was her birthday. I am reminded tonight that I am truly blessed.

Please pray that the police are able to identify the other car (hoping the cameras will have captured everything). And please pray that both my passenger and I don’t have any serious injuries!

On a side note, while still stressed about missions fundraising, I was surprised to see that my Sunday school teacher made a small donation. I still have a long ways to go, but it really blessed me to see the funny ways in which God works. India 2k14 wahoo!

missions fundraising is the most humbling thing i've ever done. and i mean humbling in the best possible way. the generosity of strangers, of people i had lost contact with, of old youth group and sunday school teachers, of friends, it's all so overwhelming and i couldn't be more thankful. each and every relationship in which i can share this missions trip with is a reminder of how gracious God is, and each conversation and shared support letter allows me to see how truly blessed i am. wow, God is so good. 

i've been realizing that i'm not afraid to ask for help for the little things. small favors, ride requests, and other silly little things are usually no problem for me. i'll reach out to friends, ask acquaintances, etc. 

but more and more as i get older, i'm having a hard time asking for help with the bigger things. the internal struggles, the fears, the real things are always left unaddressed. 

on another note, i've been observing more and more aspects to my personality and character these days, some of which are good and some of which aren't so good. i think in this last year, my patience has thinned down while my awkwardness has grown. i feel like i'm still seeking a level of comfort here in this place, and i'm having a hard time finding it. to be silent, to be doing nothing, to just be with one another and be comfortable, these are the things i miss. 

things i hope to do before i'm thirty:

• live in another country for at least a year 
• enjoy running
• start and finish a creative project, whether it be through words, photos, music, etc. 
• plant a tree and watch it grow 
• live in a place i can call my own 
• send my dad on a vacation
• adopt and train a dog to run without a leash
• attempt a half marathon 
• find something that is more than just a "job"
• appreciate my mentors more 
• be healthy
• learn to appreciate the subtleties 
• read more

currently working on 5 of these. wish me luck! 

"the Lord is near to the brokenhearted and SAVES the crushed in spirit! and many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers Him out of them all" --psalm 34:18-19

reminder to friends (mostly myself): it's okay that you're going through problems, it's okay that you have issues. your life isn't perfect-- and that's okay. however-- He's always with you (immanuel)! be comforted, be encouraged, be reminded. 

God's using even my study material to help me better understand myself, and how much I really need him. life is so funny, it's really incredible that I'm here in this place. learning to identify and break generational sins, seeking complete fulfillment in Him and Him alone-- stress/satan, you have no power over me! 

okay, back to studying I go.

meet youlsoo. 

(i apologize for this photo, but it is literally the only photo i have of just the two of us.) 

youlsoo has been my mentor for the last two years, and i can say with confidence that she has changed my life. she's a mom and a wife, a proud ucd agricultural economics (idk what this is) graduate, and a woman who is quick to share about her shortcomings and flaws, but even quicker to acknowledge God's faithfulness and grace in her life. 

she openly shares with me about her struggle with her broken family and the broken relationships with her parents, the woes of marriage, the hardships she faced while trying to start a family, the struggles of motherhood, the difficulties in facing death of a loved one, and her daily battle to trust God fully. 

youlsoo is in her mid 40s and could very easily be my mom (age wise), and i think that this was truly god's intention. in the past two years she's celebrated with me in times of joy, she's consoled me in times of distress, and she's grieved with me in times of darkness. god really opened my eyes to what it means to love in a paternal way through both her and her husband bob. 

i had dinner with her today, and it's so funny to be able to reflect back on all that has happened in the last twenty some odd months of life. what were hardships and trials in hindsight look like blessing and divine provisions from above. the circumstances and relationships have come and gone and changed with the seasons, but his faithfulness has remained constant. 

this woman has deeply enriched my life and my personal relationship with christ. to know that she's so transparent with me in her triumphs and her hiccups encourages me more than i could ever express. she's firm with me, but always compassionate. she challenges me, but supports me. she pushes me, but she prays for me. 

fun fact: she has two of the most adorable children known to man. jordan (named after the jordan river, because biblically speaking, the jordan river had to be crossed in order to reach the promise land) and haylee (because bob liked paramore). these two children (who could very easily double as gap models) have taught me so much about the grace of god. 

jordan's going to be such a heartbreaker. he's so 잘생겼어.. 

haylee is a princess, better than elsa and anna combined.

also, their dad, bob is an amazing photographer/has a lot of time on his hands despite being a crazy engineer:

i got them these shirts last year and they were so proud to show me :) 

"So do not fear, for I am with you;

    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you;

    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." 

i reward myself for being productive by being unproductive. i do not understand. 

"All that I am is a product of Grace."

— Andy Mineo

the word widowed came into mind, briefly, unexpectedly, and suddenly. this word wrecked me tonight. to know that this is the current way in which my grandfather has to list his marital status on all legal paperwork drove a wedge in my heart so deeply and so sharply, it knocked the wind out my lungs. 

i have been so selfish in my grieving that i forgot what this loss meant for others. as i clung to my own heart, to my own tears, to my own pain and void i am constantly with, i failed to realize what this meant for him. 

in god's mysterious way, he had arranged for me to leave davis, to leave that home, to leave the place in which she could be seen all around. in that distance, i filled my days with distractions and my thoughts with pettiness. i tried to steer clear from dwelling in the death, in the void. 

but he's there. he's in the life that he created with her for nearly 60 years. to see, to bicker with, to fight through life with one person for so long only to find yourself alone one day. how must his heart break, how empty must his heart and home feel. 

as the life left her fragile, broken, and conquered body, i saw him hold her hand. i saw him understand what this meant. that her last breath had gone, that her last word had been heard. 

she was my rock, she was saving grace, she was my best friend. 

she was his rock, she was his partner, she was his wife. 

the relationships i take the most joy in are those in which I encounter genuine people. more and more, i’d forgo the popular, the pretty, the social perfectionist in exchange for one kind, warm, and authentically invested friend. quality by far outweighs quantity. i am so extremely thankful these days for the few people i’ve met at UCLA whom I can joyfully invest in. thankful for kind and open hearts tonight.